REGARDING LONELINESS

Maybe these moments are for sheer experience,
for empathy for all the lonely people,
and it is only because my input levels are so much higher
than my output levels that I feel the need to tattoo these words onto the skin of the machine without ears,
about these moments of sheer experience of utterly painful loneliness,
building the empathy and pushing through to the relief that I am still more than ok with myself, but before getting there each time, I must endure the awkwardness of standing in the middle of a crowd
and the awkwardness of the fat Elvis tumbling in my head repeating, "I'm so lonely I could die," over and over, as he rolls over his head, in my head, and I am standing in limbo between the levels,
between the train lines,
pretending I'm waiting to meet friends as the ant-people going up, going down, quickly brush by
my strangely still body,
and I'm not waiting for friends, I'm debating which train to take home, which is actually a delay
as I consider who I can call and pretend I'm not lonely, but that makes me even more lonely
as I realize there are very few people whose company could meet the immensity of my feelings,
and then this strangely forgotten song comes up on random through my ears, reminding me that I was always lonely, even when I played this song on my radio show in college, before I traveled the world alone, before I had my own business that failed, before I swam with the glowing plankton under the mirroring stars and the world was still full of endless possibilities,
before I accumulated enough stories of beauty and horror to fill ten volumes.. and it doesn't matter because we all have stories that very few will ever hear, and we all come in alone and go out alone,
and yet we're all somehow still connected and forever together in this big cosmic picture, and I feel it all and its ok because I always push through the utterly painful loneliness and remember the truth
and so I don't feel sorry and I don't want pity because its so fucking beautiful
as I put the eerie song on repeat and choose which train I want to take me home, where I go and bask
in my ability to enjoy my own company
and a text comes from a friend, "are you still out?" and I reply, "I'm home drinking and writing. cheers" and they reply, "I'm jealous,"
as the planets continue around the sun, the universes collide on unseen levels
and that strangely forgotten song echoes
through my now empty mind.